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I don’t mind people looking at my tattoo. But a few weeks ago I noticed people in the elevator staring at my foot. They would peer down at the dots and lines, look at me, and then break eye contact. Totally could tell they were curious, but for whatever reason, they felt it was more appropriate to awkwardly look at it and then ignore me than to just ask, “hey, what’s that design?”
After this event repeated itself for days in a row, I began feeling really self-consciousness about my ink – and then I had a nightmare. In my dream, my tattoo was nothing but blurry markings made with blue ballpoint pen. The ink was running off my foot, like a letter being bombarded with tears dropping. I freaked out so much in the dream that I woke up, pulled my foot close to my blind eyes, and saw it was still there. Instant relief and a clear reminder of how much this design means to me – no matter how people look at it.
So, reading Lindsay’s post (“ass kicking update” lol) on her success with the Hundred Push-up Challenge motivated me to try it out. Well, that and the fact that I have gained a few lbs thanks to tasty fatty German food and plan on wearing a bikini at the beach in Barcelona in just over two weeks.
Initially, I shrugged the challenge off as, “I’m in great shape. Sure, I may not be able to do a hundred, but I’m fine, I bet I can do a ton. Whatev.” Well folks, after only being able to do 10 girl push-ups in a row (yes, girl ones), I decided that I would get to challenging myself. Got to love those little reality checks.
So today was day one… after walking to and from work briskly, ~25 minutes each way. And when I was done getting some perspective, I went for a nice long jog… and then for good measure used the band while I watched some BTVS (thanks to Lindsay and Ashley – I’m hooked again – like I am 13). It felt real good.
Yup, that beach is way to close for comfort, LOL.
So tomorrow, I get to do my first couch surf -solo.
I first heard about the Couch Surfing Project from Kelly, at our BRAVO! orientation after getting chastised by Carol that we are there for research, not Euro-trippin when I talked about Kayak.com. She and her roommates had hosted a few people, and that was how she was planning on getting around. The way is works is that you sign-up, create a profile, and basically crash at other people’s places. Out of the kindness, understanding, and plenty of trust you stay with them. But it’s not like a free hostel, it’s better, because you get to meet people from that city, who live there, and want not just to help you, but for the most part share what they love with you.
Well, I completely forgot about it when I went to Zurich, and it wasn’t until we decided to go to Zurich together and she got us a couch that I remembered it. So, I decided to look for a couch in Amsterdam, but reserved a hostel just in case. What I did not realize – although it seems quite obvious now – is that Amsterdam is super in demand for surfing = you should reserve in advance. I started looking last week, and after two sorries (already taken), and a couple of no replies, I heard back from Giorgio. Italian guy, cute, works in Amsterdam, and super-well referenced with no negative, and positives from Amsterdam core ambassadors.
While I am a little anxious about it, if there was someone to surf with, this guy would be high on the list. Cautious, nervous me would have preferred a girl, this guy seems great. I was assuming that I would catch a tram to his flat, but he volunteered to pick me up at Central Station (also nice to meet in a public place), and then we’re meeting up with some of his friends.
I’m bringing some Chili Covered Mangoes as a thank you, and hopefully I’ll get to cook for him also.
Amsterdam, here I come!
The beginning and end of my trip felt like the board at a train station (or airport). My mom arrived at 13:55, and although I left in a cab a while earlier, I left her in Paris at 17:24.
The trip was great, and I loved showing my mom and aunt the city and country I have come to love. It is different, in small but significant ways.
At the same time, when they arrived, it was like an intrusion on my world. And while I felt that feeling coming, when I first met my mom, I had felt it to a lesser degree when Mike came. This place, this experience, my life here had really been mine, and only mine. And I was selfish. I didn’t want to share it, and honestly it’s changed me. Not just my approach to research, not just the way I want to change my dress. But me. Those little, subtle things that make a person the person you know. I’m free here, completely. The expectations people have are fresh, no baggage.
I noticed when Mike came, that certain things I had let go (notably, the cussing) came back. I became who I was. I don’t want to be that. I like who I’ve become, I like the way I live my life here, and I hope to bring much of it back. And as much as that’s true, I don’t want her to know that, to have this feeling that she’s missed. But that’s life – I’m my own person now, and one of the greatest things about this is that it will help her allow me (and let me allow myself) to really – as cheesy as it sounds – become an adult.
So, she was right, the first comment I made after ‘I love you, how are you,’ when I saw her was something along the lines of ‘your purse is too high, you look like a tourist’ was wrong. I was mean, I was childish. But as soon as I said it, I was sorry. She thought I said it because I was embarrassed by her, and it was tough to get through to her that that wasn’t it. Although my mom is the one that taught me to see the many sides of a story, when I act this way to her, it’s just over. Unless I talk, unless I explain, and unless I outright ask her if she understands where I’m coming from and forgives me, she just shuts down. She won’t talk to me, and at most, just says, ‘ok.’ And I think I’ve finally learned to actually do this, even if I have to do the reaching out – and I’m glad, because the rest of the trip went quite well.
We ate great food, we saw amazing things for the first time – together. She got to experience the public transportation, amazing bier & brezels, and cleanliness I’ve had for the last two months.
I think we both know that I arrived and will leave a different person. I just hope I can hold on to that. And I hope that even though it was only a week, she will experience the same.
Confessions:
It’s only 30° here, but there is no AC, no swamp cooler, limited air flow and sun on our office. I went and hid in the 4° cold room for a minute. Sooo nice.
Also, it was Roland’s birthday today, so we had ice cream, strawberries, and sparkling white wine. And even though it is completely fine here, and it was provided, I found myself hiding my wine glass from Birgit.
